Another reason for running

Sometimes this is what motivates me to run:

My reason for running

Since I started running in February I've come up with a variety of reasons why I run.  Depending on my mood I'll lock into one as my real reason for running.  Sometimes it's my health.  I don't want to battle the diseases my parent's have, most recently the threat of hypertension (which I've kept at bay since running, thank you very much). 

Other times my reasons are purely vanity.  I want to lose these last 10 pounds and fit into my skinny clothes.  I want to firm up my body after enduring 2 pregnancies recently.  I want to be confident in how I look. 

But lately the reason I keep coming back to are my boys.  They are the reason why I run.

I want us to have an active lifestyle.  When M and I talk about vacations with the boys we talk about hiking, kayaking, swimming, etc.  I want to be an active participant, not someone who just sits and watches.  I want to model for my boys the importance of taking care of your body, being active and healthy.  I want exercise to be a natural part of their life as they get older.  But ultimately I want to live a long life that I can share with them. They bring such joy to my life and I don't want to miss out on anything. 

Next time I go out and run, I need to remind myself of this.  I need to picture their sweet faces and remember that they are the real reason why I run.

Coming back from a bad run

I had a bad run today.  I hate runs like that.  I should have known a difficult run was coming because my runs last week were awesome.  I was super proud of running the lake in 29 minutes Tuesday.  Thursday I rocked on my evening run, even though it was warm.  Sunday I ran 5 miles and it was relatively easy (never thought that would be the case).  So it's only natural that I'd have a hard run. 

Today I drove to the lake after work, as I have been the past few weeks.  It was warm outside but I can't blame the bad run on that, although I'm sure it played into it to some degree.  I just wasn't feeling it.  My mind was getting the best of me.  I felt tired.  I was hot.  I didn't think I could make it around the lake.  I took 2 walking breaks.  I haven't taken a walk break in a long time.  I was defeated before I even began.

Was it really that hot?  No.  Was I really that tired?  No.  Could I really not make it around the lake?  Of course not.  But for some reason I let my mind get the best of me.  I try and tell myself that bad runs happen.  Sometimes I'm just not feeling it.  But the hard part for me is moving past it.  Now I'm hesitant to run tomorrow.  I'm afraid of it happening again.  I've lost that runners high I had last week.  I know I'll get it back.  But mentally it's such a tough battle. 

I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and not have to fight these mental fights when I'm running.  I suppose I feel like that is my proof that I'm really a runner now.  But M keeps telling me that he still has bad days, they never really go away.  You just learn to silence that voice. 

Hoping I learn how to do it sooner rather than later. 

Time to find a race?

I've never really felt the need to run in a race.  I know I won't win as I'm not that fast.  I have thought that I would feel bad about myself for not going as fast as others will.  But lately that's changed. 

Last week I ran around Lake Merritt in 31 minutes.  This past Tuesday I ran Lake Merritt again in 29 minutes even though I wasn't trying to go any faster.  I was so excited when I finished and realized that I was 2 minutes faster than my previous time.  It gave me that feeling that maybe I would feel that way when running a race?  I finally saw what M has been trying to explain to me that it's about doing MY personal best, not competing against anyone else. 

I love the structure of a training program (I'm 2.5 weeks away from completing my 10K training program) and I'm already considering a half marathon in the next 6 months.  But I've started thinking that maybe I need to find a few 10K races to run this fall/winter. 

Back to Work

I went back to work last week.  I was worried that I would have a hard time keeping up my training schedule.  Our weekdays are so incredibly hectic when we are working.  I'm up every day at 5am to get myself up and ready plus the boys fed and dressed.  We are out the door by 6:40am.  The boys are dropped off at day care and I head in to work.  By the time I pick up the boys and get back home it's 4:30pm, sometimes later.  If it's a non swim class night then M and I begin the mad rush of cook dinner, feed the boys dinner, give them baths, read stories, and put them to bed, all before 7pm.  It's crazy!

I hate exercising at night.  It's just not my favorite time.  I'm usually too exhausted.  But I still did it last week.  Tuesday when I finished working I brought my running clothes into Oakland with me and ran Lake Merritt before heading home.  I was able to run in slightly cooler temperatures and get my run in before grabbing the boys.  I may make that my new Tuesday routine. 

Today Mike and I both went for longer runs in the morning.  I ran 4.5 miles which is my furthest distance to date - 3 weeks until I've finished my 10K program.  Mike ran 20 (!!!) miles in preparation of his marathon in 5 weeks. 

I'm hoping we can continue making exercise a priority without sacrificing the precious time we have with our boys.  It's tough to juggle it all though.

Lazy Weekend Mornings

I miss lazy weekend mornings.  The ones where I woke up whenever I felt like it.  Leisurely drank coffee while reading a good book in bed.  Deciding to go out to grab breakfast around 11am.  I should have enjoyed them more when I had the chance.

Being a mom of two kids, most of that is just not a reality.  Maybe on Mother's Day but other than that, it's just probably not going to happen.  Throw in two parents who are both training for bigger runs and weekend mornings get even more hectic. 

Our typical weekend morning now consists of both of us getting up around 6am (or whenever we first hear one of the boys begin to stir).  M typically is the parent who will get each of the boys up and get them their breakfasts (well, bottle for E).  I get dressed and head out the door for my run.  As soon as I get home I hop in the shower.  Once I get out I tag M and he's out the door for his run.  I then finish getting ready, feed E his breakfast, eat my breakfast while sharing with both boys, of course, and play with my boys.  Then it's time to put E down for his nap and if I'm feeling particularly wiped out already (and it's only 9am mind you!) then I'll put some Thomas on for L so I can sit down and drink a cup of coffee. 

The amount of stuff we accomplish before 10am amazes me.  I'm usually ready for a nap by then but the day is just beginning! 

Finding a new normal

Today I go back to work.  Summer seemed much shorter this year.  It's probably because I taught summer school for 4 weeks or maybe it's because I've been dreading going back.  We have a new principal this year and a lot of changes.  Some that I think were a long time coming and will be very good for the school.  Other changes I'm not so sure about.  Either way I'm hoping I can still remain positive about working at a school I love and that even if I don't like the way some things are happening, I can still remember I'm there for the students and keep my focus on them.

It's been hot lately so I wanted to get my run in this morning before going to work.  I set my alarm for 5am.  I got up, got dressed and was out the door.  It was dark - like nighttime still dark.  I ran around the block but kept looking over my shoulder.  There were too many shadows and not enough streetlights.  I turned around and came home.  I hate running in the evening after the kids go to bed.  I'd much rather get my exercise in before the day starts.

It made me realize that now that M and I are back to work it's time to find a new normal.  What will our routine be like this year?  We used to commute to work together but that won't happen this year since M is at a new school.  How will we handle the day care drop offs and pick ups.  When will I fit in my training schedule?  When will M fit in his much more demanding training schedule?

I don't do well with change.  I like routine, order, normalcy.  It's time to find out what that will be.

Titles

I've been thinking a lot about the titles that belong to me and wondering if they define me. 

Wife
First and foremost I consider myself to be a wife.  I agree with this title and it is one I am proud of.  I feel very lucky to be married to a wonderful man, M, who truly is willing and able to take this journey through life with me.  I believe our strong marriage is what enables us to be good parents.

Mama
I'm so lucky to be the mama of two little boys.  They bring so much joy into my life.  L is a week shy from turning 3 and E is 10 months old.  They definitely keep me busy but they fill my heart with so much love.  I'm incredibly proud to call myself their mama.

Runner
This is a new title to me and one I'm still not convinced I am.  In February I started running.  I've never been a runner and prior to that I probably would have told you that the only way I would run would be if someone was chasing after me.  But E was 6 months old and I wanted to do something to get my body back to a happy place for me.  I also have been thinking a lot about keeping up with two active boys and wanting to be healthy for them.  Hypertension and type II diabetes run in my family and I want to create healthy habits now that will hopefully keep these diseases at bay for some time.  M and I read an awesome book around this time that really inspired both of us to run (although M has always been a runner).  I took a Chi Running workshop and haven't looked back since.  I'm now running regularly (4.3 miles so far is the furthest distance I've accomplished) and currently training for a 10K.  I still have to push myself out the door some days but I love how I feel when I'm done. 

I also work full time and in many respects I define myself by my job.  I'm a teacher and I love it.  I love being able to work with high school students every day.  I feel as if teaching is a ministry for me.  It was something I was called to do and I feel blessed every day that I get to work doing something I love.

Balancing all of this is tough.  Being a working mom is tough.  Carving time out to nurture my marriage is a challenge.  Finding time to exercise 5-6 days a week is a struggle.  But it's something I want/need to do so somehow I find a way.  There are some days when I fail at one of these roles.  Instead of dwelling on it I try and do better the next day.  I hope this blog will help me acknowledge my good days more than the bad days.  Because I know I'm not the only one struggling to juggle all of these titles and more.